Lesson 5 · 4 min
Values only show up under pressure
Anyone can list their values. What matters is how they behave when a value costs them something.
Don't interview people about politics and religion on date one, watch how they treat the server, how they talk about their last relationship, what they do when plans break.
Then ask questions that require a story rather than a stance: "When's a time you changed your mind about something that mattered?"
You're listening for accountability, repair, and generosity. Those three predict more than any checklist.
Do this, not that
Don't
"What are your values?"
Do
"What's something you'd rearrange your whole week for?"
Why: Abstract questions get rehearsed answers. Behavioral questions get real ones.
Don't
Dismissing someone over one clumsy sentence.
Do
Asking one follow-up: "Say more about that?"
Why: One data point is noise. Patterns are signal. Follow-ups are how you tell them apart.
Tonight's rep
Bring one behavioral question to your next date. Then shut up and listen to the whole answer.
Quick check
The best way to learn someone's values early is to...