Lesson 3 · 3 min
Say what you're actually looking for
Being unclear about what you want isn't kindness. It's outsourcing the awkward conversation to future you.
Most people hide their intentions because they're afraid of shrinking the pool. But you don't want a big pool, you want the right handful.
State it warmly, once, early, without a demand attached: what you're looking for, and what you're ready for. Those can be different things, and admitting that is more attractive than pretending.
Anyone who leaves because you were clear was going to leave later, louder.
Do this, not that
Don't
"I'm just seeing what happens." (when you actually want a relationship)
Do
"I'm dating with intention: I'd like something real. No rush on deciding anything, I just don't want to be vague about it."
Why: Clarity plus low pressure is the combination. Clarity alone reads as an ultimatum; low pressure alone reads as indifference.
Don't
Agreeing to a relationship you know you don't have capacity for.
Do
"I really like you, and I'm honestly six months out from a breakup. I want to be upfront about my pace."
Why: Honesty about readiness protects both people. It also builds enormous trust, you become someone whose word means something.
Tonight's rep
Write your one-sentence intention. If you'd be embarrassed to send it, that's the sentence to work on.
Quick check
Stating what you want early mostly does what?